Humor

Time to get going again. . .

onthepot

. . .And I’d like to kick things off with a special end-of-summer $.99 sale on all my Kindle books.  If you like fantasy and ghost stories, visit my author page and take a look.  If you like what you find, let me know.  If you don’t like what you find, let me know, too, so I can improve.  I take my craft seriously and constantly look for ways to polish and refine.

Enough of the commercial. . .

It’s been an exciting last few months.  I’ve relocated yet again, finally got a yard in, and rescued a fur baby.  Meet Sassy:

SassyCat2

She showed up, cold, hungry, and scared at my brother’s place about 10 days before Christmas last year.  I immediately fell in love with her, and since my brother already has a very territorial and cantankerous old tom cat, I took her home with me.  We’ve had our ups and downs, but she has settled in very well and I wouldn’t part with her for the world!  I mean, look at that sweet face!

She lets me think I run the place, but when it’s all said and done SHE’s the boss!  She’s proven the cat-alyst for a few cat-astrophe’s, but so far we haven’t suffered a major cat-aclysm (although one may come barreling down the pike yet!).  Plus, she’s already provided enough material for a sizable humorous book!  I could regale you for hours with accounts of her antics, but think I ought to set up a camera instead, maybe even put her on Youtube.  She’s pretty photogenic, in my humble opinion.  And there’s nothing better than a faithful companion to travel life’s road with!

At any rate, you can expect a few posts with Sassy as the main attraction.  Stay tuned!

© KoppingAnAttitude, 2018 Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without written permission from the author is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given.

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Humor

Excitement on the Home Front

Z FullMoon

We all have those moments when life throws us a curve.  Some situations are harrowing while others have a bit of humor tossed in.  Our household had enjoyed pretty placid–some might even call them boring–lives for most of the summer on into fall.  Last week, however, one of our more colorful neighbors decided it was time to liven things up.

Abie loves a good time.  The only excuse he needs to party is that it’s Tuesday. . .or Wednesday. . .or–well, you get the picture.  With Halloween just days away, he figured he’d commune with the spirits–the liquid variety, that is, and he communed whole-heartedly.  But spirits tend to possess a person, and the outcome is never good.  After downing heaven only knows how many, he jumped in his truck (probably to buy more) and went screaming down a backroad highway faster than anyone would have believed that old ’83 Ford could travel.  Mind you, he was in control–he’ll swear to that; but these blamed vehicles sometimes have a mind of their own, especially this time of year.  (Remember Christine?  And let’s not forget The Car!)  At any rate, the devil got into the old Ford and it headed off the road, taking out a hundred feet of fence and hitting a power pole with enough velocity to sheer it off, treating the neighborhood to ten to fifteen seconds of lightning and fireworks before plunging the countryside into darkness.  Luckily, no one was hurt, although the story would have been far different had anyone been driving up that road.  Abie didn’t even appear all that shaken and would have continued on his merry way, except the Ford got hung up on irrigation pipe and mired in mud.  Anyway, Abie was there waiting when the sheriff arrived and, after he blew up the breathalyzer, got carted off to jail while crews cleaned up his mess.

Halloween evening we visited Grandma Lydia, a prim and proper white-haired lady of 93, at the nursing home.  She was sitting near the lobby with several other residents, most of whom held bowls of candy to pass out to the trick or treaters who visited the home each year.  Unfortunately, the staff had run out of candy and a half-dozen residents had nothing to hand out.  One old gentleman looked particularly forlorn and, since Grandma Lydia had plenty of candy, she gave him a handful.  Before the children arrived, however, he had eaten most of it, which got him yelled at by the nurse.  Anyway, we watched the parade of ghosts, goblins and superheros passing through.  The residents genuinely enjoyed themselves, especially Grandma Lydia, who positively beamed at each child while she complimented their costume.  But even before the trick or treating ended we noticed Grandma Lydia getting pale.  When she asked to be taken to her room, we knew she was really sick.  As we helped her into bed she complained of chest pain, with the pain radiating down her arm, and burning pain in her stomach.  Fearing the worst, LPN’s and orderlies hovered over her while I went for a nurse.

The head nurse talked with Grandma Lydia a few minutes and then left, soon returning with a glass of liquid, which she instructed Grandma Lydia to drink quickly.  Somehow Grandma got it down and then for a few seconds just sat with a funny expression on her face.  “How do you feel?” the nurse asked.  Grandma Lydia opened her mouth, but no words came out.  Instead, there rumbled forth a burp that would have done the toughest roughneck proud and elicited a rousing ovation from the staff.  Gas, not a heart attack, was the culprit.  Grandma Lydia turned beet red but the nurse put it all in perspective.  “Hey,” she said.  “At 93 you’re entitled to a good belch!”

© KoppingAnAttitude, 2016  Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without written permission from the author is strictly prohibited.  Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given.

 

 

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Humor, Life

Scarecrow Festival

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Each and every autumn, when the frost is on the punkin, the scarecrows come out in force!  For the first two weeks in October they line up along the Stevensville cutoff and strut their stuff.  This year my sister and I decided to drive over and check it out.  Here are a few displays.  I admire the work and imagination that went into these.

bookscarecrow

Even without the sign one might have guessed the library set up this one.  They drew the face on two pages of an open book, but the breeze messed them up.

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This elegant lady looks a bit out of place between these two characters.  However, ’tis the season of the witch and nothing is as it seems!

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Talk about a Big Mac attack!  This looks more like the Attack of the Big Macs!

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This proud fisherman’s got the fire stoked and ready to fry up that big beautiful rainbow trout.

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This Headless Horseman is long on horsepower.  The dog looks about to do what dogs do.

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Every gal needs her beauty sleep!

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Your typical lounger.  He does look relaxed!

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Can’t tell whether this rollerblader decided to take five or wiped out.

robocrow

A lot of old towers went into this Cyberspace Cadet!

onthepot

Latrina McCoy is either taking a break or making fresh POT pies.  Judging from the look on her face, things aren’t coming out right.  (Don’t worry, Latrina, this too shall pass!)

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From a distance this guy looked pretty lifelike, even slowing a few cars before they realized it was just a scarecrow.

Kudos to everyone who set these up!

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Humor

Old Folks Are Worth A Fortune

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Here is a humorous piece my mom gave me that was written by poet Shawn Jones.   I can identify with most of what it’s talking about, so thought I would pass it along.  Enjoy!

Old folks are worth a fortune,

With silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys, lead in their feet, and gas in their stomachs.

I have become a lot more social with the passing of the years  Some might call me a frivolous old gal.  I’m seeing five gentlemen every day.  As soon as I wake, Will Power helps me get out of bed.  Then I go see John.  Then Charley Horse comes along and when he is here he takes a lot of my time and attention.  When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day.  (He doesn’t like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint.)  After such a busy day, I’m really tired and glad to go to bed–with Ben Gay.  What a life!

P.S.  The preacher came to call the other day.  He said that at my age, I should be thinking about the hereafter.  I told him I do–all the time.  No matter where I am–in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement–I ask myself, “Now what am I here after?”

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Humor

Things I Missed Out on by Staying Single – Raising Kids

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Like most girls when they reach their teen years, I dreamed of having a husband and children.  That dream, however, never reached fruition and as time passed I developed other interests and came to relish freedoms denied my married friends.  Oh, from time to time the domestic bug would bite, but a visit to a good friend who ultimately bore fourteen children quelled that.  Not that her kids were bad.  They were kids.  Kids are precocious, often mischievous, and have more energy than they know what to do with.  I only wish someone could bottle that energy and pass some along to me.  Goodness knows I need it!  Truth is, patience has never been one of my virtues, and the older I got, the faster of what little I had wore thin.  I could have never been a mother, and my hat’s off to any woman who can juggle a marriage, children, and career and keep it all organized with their sanity intact. The other day I came across the following list concerning raising boys, written by an anonymous mother from Austin, Texas.  While it reinforced my conviction I would never have survived motherhood, I found it hilarious and wanted to pass it along:

Things I’ve Learned From my Boys (Honest and not Kidding!)

  1. A king-sized waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4” deep;
  2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite;
  3. A 3-year-old boy’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant;
  4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-lb. boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape.  It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20’x20’ room;
  5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.  When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.  A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way;
  6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan;
  7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words, “uh-oh,” it’s already too late;
  8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it;
  9. A six-year-old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says that only happens in the movies;
  10. Certain Lego’s will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year-old boy;
  11. “Play-doh” and “microwave” should not be used in the same sentence;
  12. Super glue is forever;
  13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still can’t walk on water;
  14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O;
  15. VCR’s don’t eject PB&J sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do;
  16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes;
  17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving;
  18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is;
  19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens;
  20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time;
  21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy;
  22. It will, however, make cats dizzy;
  23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy;
  24. 80% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid!
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